They Only Fertilized Names

Lady: Hi! I’ve been watching throughout the Seder, and haven’t seen you recite a single prayer, partake in any of the rituals, or even look up; what’ve you been writing?

JD: Since I actually had to participate and somewhat listen in class today, I wasn’t able to fulfill my goal of coming up with and jotting down baby names.

Lady: Oh, so that’s what you’ve been doing for the past two hours?

JD: Yeah, and who cares? This is bullshit anyway, as everyone knows that a Jew will take anything for free, and yet Elijah never touches his wine.

Lady: Are you a member of the tribe?

JD: Sure.

Lady: Then don’t you feel bad about not engaging with our holy traditions this evening?

JD: Since I’ve actively celebrated Passover my entire life, I figured that HaShem wouldn’t be mad so long as I just came. I actually hope that the whole Haggadah is read, to allow for my further pensiveness.

Lady: I don’t see a wedding band; is your girlfriend pregnant?

JD: It’s been over a year since I’ve last had sex.

Lady: So you’re not having a child?

JD: I would love to deliver God’s first non-uterine conception, though I just don’t see it happening.

Lady: Then why are you doing this?

JD: I woke up full of ideas, and want to save them for the day that someone is actually dumb enough to have my progeny.

Lady (laughing hysterically): It’s great to know that you possess the time as a law student to name fictitious offspring. So, what’ve you come up with thus far?

JD: At the top of my list is Machine.

Lady: Why on earth would you name a kid that?

JD: I got picked on a lot growing up…

Lady (interrupting JD): I see why!

JD: And I figure that no one will harass a Machine. For example: the bully demands my child’s lunch box, and she or he replies that “I’m a machine, so I never lose stamina; I’ll just run until your dumb-ass gets tired”! Or, if my kid has to fight, since nothing is stronger than a Machine, the antagonist will lie comatose after a single hit!

Lady: I’ve never heard anything stupider, not to mention that it’s not a girl’s name.

JD: It’s unisex, though if you disagree, let me knock you up, and if a daughter’s produced, then we’ll go with “Machina”.

Lady: That’s not any better.

JD: It may be awkward at first to tell people that the broken down Machina must be lubed up, but the discomfort should wear off quickly.

Lady: It’s unfathomable that I’m inquiring, but what else do you have on there?

JD: One kid will be La’Chaira, and the other La’Sofa; if we’re lucky enough to have a third, then we’ll name it La’Table, as a living room set is ideal for entertaining.

Lady: Being objectively retarded, how exactly did you get into a first-tier law school?

JD: I placed an ad in the paper that read: “seeking a tall, smart, Asian man… to take the LSAT for me”.

Lady: That I believe.

JD: Can you come up with something better?

Lady: My name is “E-Betsy”; I would name my daughter that, and my son “E-Betso”.

JD: Will you marry me?

Choosing My Final Destination

JD: After ruminating about dropping out to become a paid firefighter, I’ve decided to volunteer at the station, while staying in school at least through this semester.

Pauline: That’s great news!

JD: Thanks so much for constantly listening to me whine about law school culture, my grades, how I’m taking on enormous student debt, etc. I really appreciate you always being there for me and remaining such a great friend.

Pauline: It’s my pleasure JD!

JD: I complain incessantly, while you’re unfailingly optimistic, pragmatic, and seemingly content. I must know; what’s the secret for always remaining positive?

Pauline: Have you heard the good news?

JD: That the law school is providing us with free prostitutes?

Pauline: No; that Jesus saves.

JD: How do you know? I think that after being dead for two thousand and fourteen years, that we can safely say he didn’t even save himself.

Pauline: He’ll soon be resurrected.

JD: But after all that time in the ground, he’ll be covered in dirt and unable to produce a valid driver’s license; so how will we know that it’s him?

Pauline: He’ll be playing trumpet.

JD: So does the homeless guy downtown.

Pauline: He’ll also be shiny and very illuminated.

JD: Some hick with a bloody cross tattoo on the forearm, and a “zombie apocalypse hunter” sticker on his truck, will just blow Jesus’ head off with a 20 gauge before establishing his identity.

Pauline: What would make you believe in him?

JD: I’ll convert right now if I can grow his hair.

Pauline: Well, I can’t guarantee that, but I can promise that he will always keep you fulfilled and hopeful.

JD: And who doesn’t want that?

Pauline: Why don’t you come to church with Mark and I this Sunday?

JD: Large ears, huge nose, high forehead, and I’m wildly glabrous; don’t you know that I was chosen to be Jewish?

Pauline: Maybe the Messiah will move you.

JD: Or maybe the holy trinity of hair, dimples, and freckles will finally catch up with me. But since I can’t understand Hebrew, hate Chanukah, and admire your outlook on life, sure, I’ll give it a shot.

(At church)

Pauline: So, what do you think?

JD: I’m freaking out over the guy a couple of rows up that’s speaking in tongues.

Pauline: That’s just Christ moving through him.

JD: But what if Jesus erroneously believes that the Jews killed him, and he’s telling that guy to take vengeance upon me? Mel Gibson is still very popular in your community.

Pauline: Jesus’ main teaching is forgiveness.

JD: Why are people lining up at the pulpit?

Pauline: They’re taking communion, which is the body of Christ.

JD: Since I last ate at 5 am, is it alright to grab a handful?

Pauline: It’s one per person.

JD: He looks like a thin flying saucer, and doesn’t appear very filling.

Pauline: It’s actually a wafer.

JD: But they’re not horizontal or double layered; does he even have flavor?

Pauline: He’s not a dessert.

(JD chewing Jesus, and then regurgitating)

Pauline: You just spat out Christ!!!

JD: It’s not my fault that your lord and savior tastes like shit.

Pauline: Take that back! You’re in his house!

JD: Well, maybe I shouldn’t disparage him here, though honestly, if you were the son of god, wouldn’t you mandate being delicious?

Pauline: Shut up JD!

JD: What about this: “Deity Wafers, the body of Christ in a panoply of flavors”! We can offer “Lemon Lord”, “Strawberry Savior”, “Cookies and Cream Christ”, “Jamaican Jerk Jesus” “God’s Grapefruit”, and more!

Pauline: That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.

JD: We can also have 100 Calorie Packs, with the slogan “lose weight with Jesus”.

Pauline: I stand corrected; that’s even more asinine than your original idea.

JD: Do you think that Jesus is smart?

Pauline: He’s perfect as is.

JD: If a meager fish is his symbol, then he can’t be that bright; why not pick something awesome, such as a fire breathing dragon, or a tyrannosaurus rex?

Pauline: You’re going to hell.

JD: Since the women down there will already be on fire and screaming, I won’t have to ponder if they’re faking it during sex anymore.

Pauline: Not even Jesus can make me fulfilled or hopeful now.

(Four days later)

Mandy: Do you have a second JD?

JD: What for?

Mandy: To decide if you’re going to heaven or hell.

JD: I’ve been told that my one way non-refundable to meet Satan is already booked.

Mandy: Why’s that?

JD: I recently went to church and vomited up Jesus, though it’s not my fault, as he tasted like a box.

Mandy: Are you engaged in any good works?

JD: I volunteer serving the homeless twice per week, assist in food banks, and am focusing on human rights law.

Mandy: That’s terrible; if the benevolence of the wealthy still isn’t enough, then people must become self-sufficient. What I meant to ask was, are you well versed in concepts like trickle-up economics?

JD: What’s trickle-up economics?

Mandy: The fact that only the best among us, such as the top 1% of earners, can eradicate poverty; to do this, we must lower taxes, and allow for more unrestrained trade and business practices, which will naturally increase the compensation for everyone else.

JD: Well it doesn’t seem to be working currently.

Mandy: I presumed that everyone here at UF Law came for the tax program, to learn how not to pay them!

JD: Now that’s terrible.

Mandy: I disagree, but here’s the thing: Jesus loves everything and everyone, including liberals, so long as you acknowledge him as the one true God.

JD: So I can do whatever I want, and still go to heaven if I recognize Christ as God?

Mandy: Absolutely. I have two kids out of wedlock, steal supplements from the bookstore, and drop acid before Trial Practice; but since I believe in Jesus, it’s all good!

JD: Red’s my favorite color, so I’ll just stick with hell.

He Would Have Turned Water Into Weed

Professor Augustine: Alright class, by a show of hands, how many of you did the assigned readings?

(Everyone raises a hand)

Professor Augustine: That’s bullshit; we all know that when law students get home, they drink, smoke pot, watch porn, and then call it a night. Hell, that’s how I got thru my three years of torture. Speaking of which, how many of you have been to the main campus library at the University of Illinois in Urbana-Champaign?

(No one raises a hand)

Professor Augustine: Great, now you’re being honest. Well, if you ever go, do me a favor and just trivially look around. You’ll notice that they have the largest collection of pornography under one roof in the entire world.

(Laughter)

Professor Augustine: You know, I represented the publisher of some great adult films in an obscenity case once. Their credits include “Deepthroat” and “Dallas XXX”. That’s all the women do in Texas by the way, run around in short skirts and cowboy boots, and then have sex with the football team.

Juan: I played at Sam Houston State and could never get laid.

Professor Augustine: It only applies to the good team’s son. Alright, back to the matter at hand, the decisions that you people allegedly read. Well, the reason that I asked for a show of hands is because I really hoped that for once you guys actually did the work, since today we are covering my absolute favorite case of all time: Morse v. Frederick. JD, tell us what this one is about.

JD: Sure professor. A school took the kids outside to witness the 2002 Olympic Torch Relay, when suddenly a group of students unfurled a banner reading “Bong Hits 4 Jesus”. This follows a line of cases dealing with the first amendment rights of children in the classroom that started with Tinker v. Des Moines Independent Community School District, where the Supreme Court ruled that freedom of speech does not end at the school house gates. However, this decision continues the reasoning of subsequent cases such as Bethel School District v. Fraser and Hazelwood v. Kuhlmeier, which both qualified Tinker.

Professor Augustine: That was an excellent synopsis, and you are correct, the court expanded on that line of jurisprudence. And so, JD, what was the holding in this case?

JD: That because schools have the duty to keep kids safe and provide positive messages, that their job to warn against the dangers of drugs trumps the students rights to free speech.

Professor Augustine: And obviously I don’t believe in that. While you are correct, I hope that you disagree with the holding too, because if Jesus really had the powers attributed to him, then he would have turned water into weed.

(Raucous applause)

Professor Augustine: I mean, have any of you ever been to church? You need to smoke marijuana just to get through the sermon. JD, what if the banner read “Peyote Buttons for Jesus”? Would the decision have been the same?

JD: Well, I guess that depends on the effects of peyote buttons. I’ve never even heard of those before, but if they have inebriating effects, then yes, the Court’s holding should stand.

Professor Augustine: I like gin, but peyote somehow tastes better and gets the job done faster. You should go to the desert and find some. It’s also a good way to meet God. That reminds me; I also met him in a discotheque once. JD, have you ever sniffed cocaine off the breasts of a stripper?

JD: No professor, but contrary to my thoughts until now, being a lawyer must be the greatest job in the world.

Professor Augustine: Well, unfortunately it’s not. Obviously, being in a class entitled “Political & Civil Rights”, many of you are dissatisfied with the way things are, want answers, and hope to use the law for social justice. I did too. You should take the bar and get your license, but I will promise you this. Practice long enough, and it will occur to you that the message on their banner is the most truth that you’ll ever find. Class dismissed.