Duncan: Have you ever seen the old man?
JD: You mean Blue? He’s in my section.
JD: That’s his nickname. Do you remember the movie “Old School”? There’s an elderly man who goes to college and joins a frat, and for whatever reason, that becomes his sobriquet.
Duncan: Oh yeah, I remember that now. They shout “you’re my boy Blue”!
JD: Well, this guy is no one’s boy. He’s truly the weirdest person that I’ve ever met.
Duncan: Why’s that?
JD: He chugs 2 or 3 Papa John’s Garlic Butter Sauces in class every day, just like they were shots of tequila.
Duncan: That’s disgusting.
JD: He coughs loudly during almost every period too. Our Property professor asked him to leave this morning because he was so disruptive, and Blue replied, “I’m very sick, but no”.
Duncan: What the hell man? That’s extremely strange, not to mention rude.
JD: I’ve also seen him sleeping on the floor of the library, lying on his back, feet up on the computer desk.
Duncan: I heard that he lives in his car.
JD: That’s what a lot of people say. It’s a station wagon, jam-packed full of everything. You literally can’t see in through any of the windows because they’re all blocked by clothing.
Duncan: How old is he?
JD: I’ve heard various numbers, from 69 to 81. But even if we split the difference and say that he’s 75, it means that he’ll be 78 at graduation.
Duncan: Why’d he come to law school then?
JD: Probably because he’s a masochist.
Duncan: Aren’t we all?
JD: I did talk to him about it though, and apparently he used to be a doctor, but in Florida, once you reach a certain age, continuing accreditation is based on being intermittently certified as competent by a peer review board. Well, he’s a hardcore tax dissenter and often writes about it online; he believes that the panel took away his ability to practice medicine because of those viewpoints.
Duncan: So basically then, he’s out seeking revenge?
JD: Yeah, pretty much. However, after he accomplishes that, he wants to become an agent and attorney for musicians.
Duncan: I was taking a break in the cafeteria the other night and saw him playing trumpet; there was sheet music all over the table.
JD: Our Contracts professor played a big band clip from the 1950’s once, to provide context for a case that we read, and no one, including the teacher, knew the performers name. Blue did though, and said that he saw the person live when he was just starting out.
Duncan: So the music that he likes is now 60 years old, and all the players are dead; who does Blue think will retain him?
JD: I don’t know man. He’s just a crazy guy.
(A couple of hours later, by the law school)
Duncan: That SUV at the stoplight should really roll its windows up. I hate when people blare loud music, and especially gangster shit.
JD: But as we know, there’s nothing that law students love more than drugs, rape, and murder.
Duncan: The SUV’s coming this way; I’m going to shout at them to turn the god damn radio off.
JD: Wait a second; look at the guy in the passenger seat!
Duncan: It’s Blue, and he’s wearing a do-rag!
JD: Is that a blunt in his left hand and a bottle of Hennessy in the right?
Duncan: And I think that the rapper Cool Azz Rude is driving; I can’t believe it!
JD: Maybe age really does bring wisdom.
(About a week later, at the campus clinic)
JD: Thanks for bringing me here man.
Ross: I’m just keeping the promise that I made this morning, to drive you right after the criminal law final; it was the only way to make you leave the house and take it.
JD: That exam was so damn hard; I’ll probably just end up dropping out of law school now to become a firefighter.
Ross: Why would you do that? I’m sure that you passed it.
JD: Even if I did, being an attorney can’t possibly top shaking, shimmying, and sliding up and down a fireman’s pole every day.
Ross: I presume that whatever illness you have was contracted from Blue?
JD: My coughing fits are the worst. Remember when Blue couldn’t stop hacking recently? I can’t believe that he came to school like that.
Ross: At least you kept quiet during the test today. Blue was so loud in class last week, that Ryan, James, Winston, and I tried hiring a hitman.
JD: How’d that go?
Ross: Professor Gonzales wanted too much.
JD: We should do it ourselves and make him suffer. Cutting off his dick with a butter knife would be appropriate, as the pain will be elongated and excruciating; it’ll take him forever to bleed out.
Ross: And to make it ironic, we can provide him with the Papa John’s Garlic Butter Sauces that he loves so much.
Nurse: John David, please come with me to the examination room.
(An hour later)
Ross: So, what do you have?
JD: A bad cold. All that they gave me though was some heavy-duty cough syrup.
Ross: What’s the prescription say?
JD: Some scientific name, and in parentheses it states “codeine cough medicine”.
Ross: No way dude! That’s “purple drank”! You know, the stuff that rapper’s always hype up!
JD: Duncan and I saw Blue riding shotgun with Cool Azz Rude after class on the day that he couldn’t stop hacking. In fact, Blue was singing the chorus to “Showing Out”.
Ross: See, that makes sense. He turned Blue on to the secret for cough suppression.
JD: I’m not going to buy it man; I don’t want to develop an opiate addiction.
Ross: But we have to celebrate finishing the last final of the semester. Pick it up, and we’ll both drink it. Besides, it’s supposed to produce hallucinations if you ingest just a bit more then directed.
JD: Well, maybe I’ll have a vision quest to help me decide whether or not I really should apply for the fire department.
Ross: And the best part is that you’re gaining the clarity lawfully!
(At JD’s house)
JD: Pour me some more man.
Ross: We drank the whole thing.
JD: What?!?! That bottle was supposed to last me for 2 weeks, and we killed it in 10 minutes!
Ross: But it was worth it. I can’t stop laughing, and touching myself produces orgasms. Have any insights into becoming a firefighter yet?
JD: Not so far. I’m currently only thinking about finding my wool ski cap. Who knew that it gets so cold in Central Florida?
Ross: The one that you had on earlier?
JD: I haven’t seen it since we walked in.
Ross: It’ll turn up. In the meantime, let’s finally play Donkey Kong Country in cooperative mode.
JD: Is the Super Nintendo supposed to be more popular than the Wii U?
(5 minutes later)
Ross: Do you smell something burning?
JD: The hell is that man?
Ross: Dude, I found your hat; it’s smoldering on top of that lamp!
JD: God dammit man!
Ross: At least you received divine intervention.
JD: Fire department it is!
Ross: Blue’s always right in the end.
Kyle: Are we just going to sit around this booth all night?
JD: The food here is incredible.
Ross: I may order seconds.
Kyle: Come on morons, let’s do something fun.
JD: It’s 11 o’clock on a Tuesday night in Gainesville, smack dab in the middle of Florida. We’re surrounded by nothing except swampland and confederate flag artwork.
Kyle: Do you realize that we could be staring at naked chicks right now?
JD: You’re the only one with a girlfriend.
Kyle: I’m talking about going to a strip club. What do you guys say?
Ross: I’m definitely down for that.
JD: I’ll pass. I dated a girl in undergrad who turned me into a feminist. You’ve got to understand that no woman wants to be a stripper. They do it because they grew up poor, were molested by their fathers, or just have no other choices.
Kyle: Maybe you’re right, and they got into the profession because they lacked better options, but unlike India they are all over 18 in this country, and thus shake their assets on their own volition. They considered the possibilities, ruminated over them, and still chose to do it. Being a feminist is about realizing that women are equals, should be able to use their own judgment, and through informed consent must be allowed to do what they want without society imposing sexist limitations.
JD: That makes sense…
Kyle: So are you in?
JD: I guess.
Kyle: Fuck yeah! We have to make an important decision before we head out though. Alachua County has a law that strip clubs can be either topless and serve liquor, or fully nude but prohibited from selling alcohol. What do you guys prefer?
Ross: I’m already on mescaline, so I definitely don’t need to drink.
Kyle: Café Risqué it is!
(20 minutes later, at the entrance)
Random Dude (being carried out): I was here last night, and I’m sure that I left my wedding ring inside of Morgan. I was just trying to retrieve it. I swear to god man, I wasn’t molesting her.
Bouncer: We’re adding your photo to our “handsy” wall. If you ever come back here, you’ll be leaving in handcuffs.
Random Dude (talking to the guys): Don’t go in there fellas, it will only lead to trouble.
Bouncer: Don’t mind him, gentleman. Welcome to Café Risqué. My name is Kingsley, your pleasure guide for the evening. If you have any questions or concerns just come straight to me and we’ll get it taken care of immediately.
Kyle: Great, thanks Kingsley.
JD: I shouldn’t be in here man, it just feels wrong.
Kyle: Just relax and enjoy the scenery.
JD: I can’t stop thinking that this is exploitation to a tee. These girls are probably uneducated and do this because they can’t even get a job at McDonald’s, contrary to what you said about acting on their own accord.
Ross: Hey, that’s Monica!
Kyle (yelling): Monica! Come over here!
Monica: Hey boys, it’s great to see you! Are you taking a break from studying for our finals? Which one do you think will be the hardest?
Ross: Criminal Law for sure. He hasn’t taught us a thing all semester.
Kyle: I’m expecting Professional Responsibility to be tough. He’s biased as shit, and the material has been too easy, so I think that the test will be real difficult to provide him with some way to differentiate us for the grading.
Monica: That makes sense. JD, why are your eyes closed?
JD: Because you’re naked, and if I look too hard I won’t be able to get the vision out of my head. I don’t want to picture you sans clothing when we’re in class.
Monica: Haha, I’ll take that as a compliment!
JD: I’ve got to say; I can’t believe that you work here.
Monica: Why not? Do you think that it’s beneath me?
JD: Of course it is.
Monica: Listen asshole, I’m just using my constitutional rights to free expression. The Supreme Court holds that while nude entertainment is on the outskirts of free speech, it is protected nonetheless. While adult dancing does not get intermediate scrutiny protection like other commercial activities, it does receive rational basis review, meaning that the government can’t abolish it like fighting words, libel, slander, and child pornography. Don’t you complete the readings?
JD: Well, you just taught me something.
Monica: Which is?
JD: That I’m going to fail the Constitutional Law exam.
(JD, walking with his externship boss)
Kaylie: Have you ever been to court before?
JD: No, I haven’t.
Kaylie: Well, I hope that you’re coked up then, because it’s the most boring place in the world when you’re not involved in the proceedings. You aren’t emotionally invested, and time just drags on.
JD: I’m sure that I’ll be alright. By the way, I really appreciate you letting me come to watch your case today.
Kaylie: It’s my pleasure. Hey, I’m just wondering, but why is your suit jacket wrinkled?
JD: It’s from wearing my seatbelt while driving over here.
Kaylie: You should have hung it on the hook in your backseat. All cars have them.
JD: I’m sorry; I just didn’t think of it.
Kaylie: Further, didn’t I ask you to get a haircut?
JD: You did, but it literally took two years to grow out, and it’s still not very long. I’m afraid that if I get a trim it will never come back.
Kaylie: And why didn’t you shave this morning?
JD: I like having a little facial scruff. It’s not even thick.
Kaylie: But you still look like a terrorist.
JD: I get stopped all the time for DWB – Driving While Bearded. In fact, a cop pulled me over a few months ago to inquire if I had a body in the trunk. If you ever noticed, all men on wanted posters have facial hair. They give us law abiding citizens a bad name; so, I’m trying to change things.
Kaylie: In any event, here we are. My case starts in a few minutes and we can’t be late in getting to the courtroom. I bet that the bailiffs frisk and search you since they’ll probably think that you’re here to blow up the building. If it delays the line, you’re fired.
Bailiff 1: Hello sir. Please empty the contents of your pockets and take off your belt, placing everything into this tray, and then proceed through the metal detector.
Bailiff 2: You’re clean, thanks. Collect your belongings and have a nice day.
Bailiff 1: Your turn beautiful.
Bailiff 2: Did you remove all of your metal and jewelry?
Kaylie: Of course. I know the procedure; I’m an attorney!
Bailiff 1: Stand still so that I can wave this detecting wand over you.
(The device beeps incessantly over Kaylie’s crotch)
Kaylie: Oh my god. I forgot to take off my piercing this morning…
JD: Like they always say, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.
Professor Lauria: Unfortunately, I must begin today’s class by addressing some concerns brought to my attention this past weekend by Dean Perry. Apparently, a few of you complained to him alleging that I’ve become uncomfortably close to certain people in here, play favorites, and will thus be unable to retain my impartiality while grading your upcoming final exams.
Tam: You’re the man professor!
Professor Lauria: Now, I implore everyone to remember the official title of this course; it’s called “Professional Responsibility”. I spent my entire two year career as an attorney operating in the most ethical of manners, and my very long stint in academia is completely unblemished, with no prior allegations of impropriety.
Tam: Ay, my lord.
Professor Lauria: For instance, it’s innocuous that I give Tam, and only him, extra credit when he quotes Shakespeare, since he started the practice and everyone loves those plays. I just noted your 10 points by the way.
Tam: I love you professor!
Professor Lauria: Similarly, the fact that I attended a student’s party earlier in the semester means absolutely nothing to me.
Bridget: That was at my house!
Professor Lauria: I know Bridget. It’s also true that I’ve been treated to lunch by some of you and am on a first name basis with a few of your peers, but it’s just my way of being congenial. These relationships do not curry my favor.
Ainsley: You’re the best John!
Professor Lauria: Neither does the fact that 30 or so people in this class attended my band’s performance recently and that they were by far the loudest and most appreciative contingent there.
Roy: Don’t forget that I started the facebook event for your show!
Professor Lauria: I haven’t Roy. You see, my philosophy is that befriending student’s is the best method for showing that I’m available and am always willing to help. It’s my way of proving that the legal profession does have a heart, and that law school is about more than just requiring you to plunge deep into debt.
Ken: My parents pay for my education!
Professor Lauria: I hope that I’ve made my point and put to rest all fears regarding favoritism.
Jennifer: Should Rebecca and I still come over this afternoon to walk your dogs and paint your garage?
Professor Lauria: Of course, just remember to call or text me first. Alright then, let’s start today’s exam review by discussing what attorney’s must do when faced with an actual or imputed conflict of interest…
*The title of this blog entry, “Mr. Bad Example”, comes from the Warren Zevon song of the same name.*
Professor Shur: Hello everyone. Two of your classmates came to my office this morning and asked if they could have the first few minutes of the period to make an announcement. So, I’m turning it over to them.
Clarissa: Thanks professor. As we all know, the law school is cutting next year’s entering class by a hundred, leaving just three sections going forward. Well, last night, Ryan and James suggested that we create t-shirts to celebrate being the final section four ever. Since everyone here is so close, I was confident that y’all would love the idea!
Ryan: And don’t worry about the cost. We found a printer who is doing it for just twelve dollars per shirt, since we ordered one hundred and five.
JD: Wait a second. I only have like three friends over/under in here, and take no pride in being grouped with you people.
Clarissa: Please give me your money by Friday so that we can pick up and distribute the shirts next Monday! Thanks again professor.
JD (screaming) I object; I’m not buying one.
Melanie: Neither am I.
Cybil: I would rather slit my throat.
Professor Shur: I just want to say that it truly warms my heart to see such camaraderie. In all my years of teaching, I have never witnessed anything like this before. Thank you all for allowing me to be part of such a special group of future attorney’s.
JD: Hello? Are you deaf?
Professor Shur: So now, let’s talk about the differences between Equal Protection and Due Process, and the importance of listening to your clients in figuring out which Constitutional standard applies.
(75 minutes later, in the parking lot)
JD: This is ridiculous. I have tons of UF Law clothing that already doesn’t get me laid with the undergrads. Imagine how nerdy people will think I am with a section shirt. Did you notice that Clarissa didn’t even mention their design?
Kyle: Do you have any ideas?
JD: The number four nailed to a cross, symbolizing our status as martyrs.
Kyle: Half of our classmates are hardcore Christians, so try again.
JD: How about a caption saying “Choices Shall Be Made, UF Law Section 4”, with a picture of an alligator head on a human body, let’s call it a “liti-gator”. It would be staring at the kitchen table with two bottles on top; one is tequila, and the other is cyanide.
Kyle: Since you don’t drink, would it be an easy decision?
JD: You have no idea.
(A week later)
Ryan: Alright guys; come up front and get your shirts!
JD: I can’t believe that Clarissa told me I was the final holdout and guilted me into buying one.
Kyle (reading his shirt): It says “Tortfeasin’ Ain’t Easy, UF Law c/o 2015, Section 4”.
JD: Since her behavior in making me purchase a shirt was outrageous and I’m now suffering extreme mental anguish as a result, I’m suing Clarissa for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress. So their wrong, tortfeasin’ is a piece of cake.
Duncan: Are you going to the JMBA (John Marshall Bar Association) event tonight?
JD: I’m not a member.
Duncan: Why don’t you join? Virtually the whole school belongs.
JD: Because all of their events are at bars, and I don’t really drink.
Duncan: Well they do have a couple of annual charity benefits.
JD: Like hops for the homeless and liquor for loiterers? Those are great ways to solve society’s problems.
Duncan: What does the fourth Chief Justice of the Supreme Court have to do with binging and drunken hook-ups anyway?
JD: He must have been so depressed that before his tenure the Court had no power to review Executive Branch acts, that he formed a drinking society to cope.
Duncan: Just come with me man since I don’t want to show up alone. It’s a few dollars extra for non-members, but I’ll even pay for your admission.
JD: Let me guess; it’s at the Grog House?
Duncan: Gambler’s Saloon smartass.
JD: Even better; I can misappropriate my financial aid, participate in an illegal card game, and then drive home drunk. That’s only three felonies in one night.
Duncan: Well isn’t that the attorney’s dream? Being able to commit as many crimes as you want and then having the power to get yourself off.
JD: If that’s what I wanted to do, I would have saved the seven years of college and law school to become a cop.
Officer Bell: So in conclusion, your Gainesville Police Department continues to be a recognized leader in bucking the trend of viewing domestic violence as a private matter between the parties. We do this by training our officers to recognize the signs of abuse to figure out who is actually guilty, in contrast to the long standing national policy of mutual arrest in these situations. It’s our hope that with police intervention, victims of domestic violence will have access to the resources and counseling necessary to become self-sufficient and escape the abuse. Think of us as pioneers, hundreds of men and women rolled into one modern day Christopher Columbus, minus the genocide of course.
Professor Schroder: I think that I can speak on behalf of the entire class, in saying what a privilege it is to live in a town with such great cops that are unequivocally committed to ensuring justice only by legal means. Thanks for your time as our guest speaker today.
Officer Bell: Thank you for having me. Oh, and just one more thing. It’s a cooperative effort between the police and attorneys, and thus as law students, we invite you to come out for a ride-along with a friendly officer so that you can see just how we put our enlightened philosophies into action.
Professor Schroder: Thanks again. Class dismissed!
(Leaving the room)
JD: Wow, I didn’t know that we can actually go out on a patrol. I’ll call and sign up as soon as I get home!
Erin: I grew up in Atlanta, where racial tensions are still extremely high, and have seen just how the police really operate. I could easily tell that cop was full of shit. Have you ever noticed that no matter where you go in this country, that nearly all male officers have shaved heads? So just how independent and progressive can their thinking truly be when they all revel in looking the same? Promise me that when you come back disappointed, you’ll admit that I was right about all of this.
(That weekend, at the main station house)
JD: Hi there. I scheduled a ride-along for today at 5:00 pm. Can you please tell me where to go?
Officer Keller: One of our officers is dropping you off at the drug rehab center?
JD: No, I’m a student at the University of Florida’s Levin College of Law and am here to observe a patrol.
Officer Keller: That’s bullshit, since we don’t even allow civilians to film the police in Florida. Do me a favor and turn around, placing your hands behind your head, so that I can frisk you.
Officer Keller: I won’t tell you again. Now shut the fuck up and stop resisting before I finally get to use my gun.
(A half hour later)
Officer Keller (on the phone): Hi Jack. I have some guy here at the front that looks like a dealer, saying something about observing an officer on the rounds. I think that he may be trying to infiltrate us, so I have him under surveillance. Oh, you know about this? I’ll tell him, thanks.
Officer Keller: You’re going out with Zabransky. He’ll come and get you in a minute. In the meantime, I need your social security number, phone number, mother’s maiden name, exact weight to the decimal, and your blood type.
(A while later)
Officer Zabransky: Keller was right, you do look like an addict. Are you really in law school?
JD: My $100,000 in student loans would indicate so.
Officer Zabransky: Usually, we only allow the athletes to come along, especially the girl ones, and since they’re all tested by the NCAA, we know that they’re not on drugs. With you though, I have no such assurances. Oh well, let’s hit the road.
(In the car):
Officer Zabransky: I’m going to respond to the call that just came in, and while I’m there, study and memorize this book, showing the signs for all of the known gangs in the area.
JD: There’s organized crime in Gainesville?
Officer Zabransky: You better believe it. The Bloods, Crips, and Latin Kings are all big, and especially “the niggers”. Why, every single time that I put on this uniform, I feel like I’m under siege.
JD: There’s truly a gang called “the niggers”?
Officer Zabransky: Not officially, but it’s a known fact that they’re the biggest offenders.
JD: They didn’t teach you at the academy that racial profiling violates no less then five state and federal constitutional guarantees?
Officer Zabransky: All we do there is handcuff each other, incessant push-ups, and target practice of terrorist cutouts and Obama. Great, here we are; sit tight.
(An hour later)
Officer Zabransky: Well that was pointless, just some homeless man wandering around the apartment complex. Hey, Asian’s are usually wealthy enough to afford motorcycles, but that small guy over there is on a bike. Flip that switch JD to turn on the sirens.
JD: But he’s not doing anything wrong.
Officer Zabransky (flipping the switch and turning on the microphone): Sir, please pull your bicycle into the grass and get on your knees.
(Outside of the car)
Officer Zabransky: Where’s your Hayabusa motherfucker?
Random Guy: Hi officer. I’m an undergraduate student at UF, and was just on my way to work at Target. See, I have on my uniform, name tag…
Officer Zabransky: Do you have photo identification?
Random Guy: Is that really necessary?
(15 minutes later)
Officer Zabransky: Alright, you’re clean. Go to work and have a great shift.
Random Guy: Assuming that I don’t get fired for being late.
(Back in the car)
Officer Zabransky: So, do you know of any parties going on tonight?
JD: I live right next door to a convent, and they invited me to a church gathering this evening.
Officer Zabransky: Do you think they’ll have beer?
JD: I always see the main priest stumbling down the street muttering and carrying a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Officer Zabransky: Even better; let’s go.
(Two hours later, leaving the party)
Officer Zabransky: So, do you have a girlfriend JD?
JD: Not right now.
Officer Zabransky: I got three phone numbers in there. What does that tell you?
JD: That you’re abusing authority by scaring women into dating you?
Office Zabransky: No, that you should really join the force. Alright, now we’ll go pick up the best doughnuts in Gainesville.
Radio Dispatcher: All Points Bulletin: armed robbery at Mildred’s Restaurant. All vehicles in the vicinity, please respond.
JD: Great, I’ll finally get to observe some real police work.
Officer Zabransky: Sorry, but I don’t think so. It sounds too dangerous.
JD: But we’re literally just down the street.
Officer Zabransky: It’ll get taken care of.
JD: Whoa, I think that woman to the left is flagging you down. Pull over.
Officer Zabransky (rolling down the window): Hello ma’am, how can we help you?
Random Lady: My ex-boyfriend’s car is parked at the foot of my driveway. I‘ve been telling him for months that it’s over between us, but he just won’t leave me alone, and now I’m truly afraid for my safety. Can you please make him leave?
Officer Zabransky: Does he have expired tags on his car?
Random Lady: Pardon Me?
Officer Zabransky: How about any outstanding warrants?
Random Lady: How should I know?
Officer Zabransky: Well in that case, there’s nothing that we can do. Have a good night.
Random Lady: Wait! Stop! Please!
JD: So what exactly do you accomplish over the course of your shift aside from screwing people over?
Officer Zabransky: I usually just pull into a median strip, turn off my headlights, and go to sleep. In fact, after we get the doughnuts, that’s what we’ll do until I get off at 3am.
Erin: How was your ride-along?
JD: Let’s just say that I’ve decided to become a criminal defense attorney.
Professor Clarp: The semester ends in a month or so, and we haven’t even covered 25% of the material yet!
Corby: That’s probably because you spend the entire period talking about how you went to a better law school then this one, all of the different places where you’ve taught, and how many articles you’ve published.
Professor Clarp: Be that as it may, you people are still responsible for knowing everything on the syllabus for the exam. Well, let’s not waste anymore time then. Rifka, it seems that in the general populous, the separate crimes of “assault” and “battery” are often lumped together in the vernacular as being just a single offense. So tell us, what is the difference between the two?
Rifka: I’m sorry professor, but I don’t know. The assigned readings for today were on the Model Penal Code’s definition of murder versus the common laws.
Professor Clarp: Take note everyone, that you can all blame Rifka when you fail the exam, because we are not moving along until she gives us the correct answer.
Bradock (sitting right in front of JD and mumbling under his breath): Come on you dumb bitch; I played football for years, have sustained multiple concussions, and still know the difference.
Rifka: Professor, this is really embarrassing. Please, just call on someone else.
Bradock (mumbling louder): Jesus Rifka, how fucking stupid can you possibly be?
JD (talking to Bradock): Hey man, just chill out a bit. It’s not our fault that Clarp isn’t organized and expects us to read a thousand pages ahead in the text.
Bradock (turning around): What the hell did you just say?
JD: I just think that you should cut her some slack, and talk lower before everyone else hears you.
Bradock: I don’t give a shit about that, you skinny ass motherfucker.
JD: Whoa, how’d you know my high school nickname? (SAMF)
Bradock: Don’t talk back to me asshole. If you say one more word, I’m going to beat you fucking senseless.
Professor Clarp: Great job Bradock! Battery is an unwanted and offensive touching, no matter how slight, while assault is the reasonable belief that a person is about to be the victim of a battery. Since you haven’t hit JD yet, you have only committed assault! It may even be aggravated assault, since as your arms are thicker than a tree’s trunk, we can assume that you are very strong and your fists could be dangerous weapons!
JD: For the second time this term professor, without me, the class wouldn’t have learned a damn thing.
(JD’s phone ringing)
Ross: Yo dude.
JD: How’s it going man?
Ross: I have a full afternoon planned; I’m meeting up with my dealer to get some super rare, unicorn esque hydroponics, then I’m going to fire up Call of Duty, and to top it all off, I’ll eat some Cherry Garcia or Phish Food and pass the fuck out.
JD: Did you forget that we have Property in half an hour?
Ross: That’s why I’m calling; can you please sign me in?
JD: What’s that mean?
Ross: Write my name on the attendance sheet.
JD: That’s dishonest man; and if I get thrown out of school, then I won’t be able to use my financial aid refund to buy Apple stock.
Ross: Ryan, James, Winston, and I do it all the time. Haven’t you ever wondered why we’re almost never in class anymore?
JD: For the most part, I stopped looking around and paying attention a couple of months into the semester; I just draw now. So anyway, why don’t you ask one of them?
Ross: They’re all coming over to hit my new hookah.
JD: Of course they are.
Ross: Take my word for it that nothing will happen. I’ll even buy you some munchies the next time that we hang out.
JD: But what if something does come of it?
Ross: It won’t dude.
JD: Fine man, but today only.
Professor Gonzalez: I’m extremely disappointed in all of you. It’s the third time this week that the attendance sheet is nearly full, and yet the room is still half empty. I demand to know right now who is forging signatures.
(No one says anything)
Professor Gonzalez: Then we’re having a pop quiz on vested remainders so I can figure out who really is present today.
(With 20 minutes left in class, Ross, Ryan, James, and Winston come through the front door)
Professor Gonzalez: Gentleman! All of your names have been written on the attendance log, but here you are, just walking in. Who lied for you?
Ross: JD volunteered. But then we decided to show up today.
Professor Gonzalez: Thanks for the honesty Ross. JD, I’m giving you a zero for the quiz.
JD: I guess we found out what can happen.
JD: Did you see today’s vitriolic Federalist Society e-mail, entitled “Lawrence v. Texas, The Worst Judicial Decision Of All Time”?
Duncan: Yeah, but I just hit delete since I don’t need hate in the morning. I’ve never heard of that case before though.
JD: It decriminalizes sodomy and classifies it as a protected privacy interest for consenting adults.
Duncan: I don’t even know what sodomy is.
JD: You and Joe Paterno both; it’s anal sex.
Duncan: Why do you think the Federalist Society would resort to such hyperbole?
JD: A lot of closeted folks seem to do that, casting dispersions upon the LGBT community in an effort to withhold their rights.
Duncan: I’ve always wondered about that phenomenon.
JD: They probably have some kind of a complex or fear that others will discover their true sexual orientation. Speaking of which, do you remember the Larry Craig scandal?
Duncan: Yeah, the Republican United States Senator from Idaho who was virulently homophobic, yet got arrested for trying to solicit gay sex in a restroom. He had allegations of trying to pick up other men too, right?
JD: Yeah, that’s the guy, though we never know what’s true or not. He did consistently vote against all gay rights issues though.
Duncan: Only to possibly try and hide who he really is.
JD: Which is truly ashame, as being LGBT is like the new black; it’s hip, it’s cool, and it’s in style this season. Heck, like a tenth of the shows on television now are about being gay.
Duncan: As they should be, especially since it’s estimated that one out of every ten Americans identifies as being LGBT.
JD: Although, there’s a lot of bald men too, and I never see shows geared towards us; just those crappy infomercials advertising the “Hair Club For Men”.
(A short time later)
Lawrence: Hey guys, what’s up? Let me ask you something real quick. What would you think if I changed my name to Karl?
Duncan: What are you talking about? Lawrence is a great name.
JD: I bet this has something to do with the e-mail.
Lawrence: Yeah, I don’t want people thinking that I’m gay just because of my name.
JD: I wish that I had your name. When you look like me you’ll take absolutely anything, whether it’s a man, a woman, or a centaur.
JD: Where do you feel like studying?
Duncan: Since the Gators are playing at home, the law library should be empty.
(Approaching the law library)
Duncan: What does that sign say?
JD (reading): “The libraries at the University of Florida will be closed during all home football games. Sorry for any inconvenience”.
Duncan: Can you believe this shit? They’re only open until 11:30 pm on most nights anyway. The libraries at Florida State University were basically 24/7 when I was there for undergrad. I mean, where do they expect us to study? Not all students here are drunken frat boys who never do the work.
JD: Yeah, it’s pretty ridiculous. We obviously can’t study at my house today since we sell parking and people tailgate on the lawn. It gets so loud beginning at like 6am that I can’t even sleep, let alone read.
Duncan: And my roommate is having a rave. I pay a ton to attend this law school, and you have essentially mortgaged your future being an out of state student. At the very least, the libraries should be open before or after the games.
JD: Agreed, but there’s no use in just standing here. Where else can we go?
Duncan: I can’t think of anything. Wait, do you still have the door entrance code for the student offices?
JD: Hell yeah, good call man. I left my wallet at home though. Do you have your GatorOne card?
JD: Because on the weekends they keep the outside doors of the building locked; so we have to swipe in.
(In front of Bruton-Greer Hall)
Duncan: Why isn’t my card working? This is insane.
JD: Look, there’s someone puking on the floor.
Duncan (screaming and pounding on the door): Let us in!
Random Dude: Oh, hey dudes. Sorry you had to see that. I just took a quadruple shot of tequila and I’m a little out of practice. I usually just stick to beer these days, ya know? Are you guys here for the fun?
Duncan: We’re here to study.
Random Dude: I wouldn’t know anything about that. I joined the military right after high school, since I would rather kill people with reprieve as opposed to learning about their rights in college.
Duncan: Then how did you get in here?
Random Dude: They keep the back doors open so that us partiers can use the bathrooms. I couldn’t make it that far though; they should just have porta potties outside.
JD: Let’s go to the student offices. Hey man, thanks for letting us in.
Random Dude: No problem. Come out back if you’re hungry. I’ve got a pig going, and a ton of burgers too.
(At the other end of the hallway)
Duncan: Why are those guys naked in the student offices?
JD: Look at the kegs and that gigantic bag of mushrooms on the Christian Legal Society’s desk.
Duncan: Some of them aren’t even law students.
JD: This just goes to show where the school’s priorities are.
JD: I’m going to run for APIL’s presidency this evening (the Association of Public Interest Law). I wonder what the perks are. Air Force Eight? A bodyguard? How about APIL emblazoned cowboy boots so that I can be like Governor Rick Scott?
Zanity: You’ll be the public interest cowboy. Since their purpose is to help others though, I doubt that they have the money to provide you with those things.
JD: Well neither do the taxpayers, but that doesn’t stop the Governor. You do know that I’m completely joking though, right?
Zanity: Oh yeah, of course. I never take anything that you say seriously.
JD: How about this morning, when I said that you were the most beautiful woman in room 327?
Zanity: I knew you were full of it.
JD: See, you don’t know when I’m joking, and that’s a problem.
Zanity: Anyhow, who else is running against you?
JD: Bridget Scott is the only other candidate. I obviously don’t have a chance though, as she’s the head of like 10 other clubs, trial team, moot court, etc. She essentially knows every student here.
Zanity: Yeah, she’s pretty involved.
JD: I like Bridget a lot; she’s very nice and sweet. But I grew up poor, and this is one of the only groups that I really want to be a part of. I hate to think that she’s only involved with things to pad her resume. I really wish that she would just defer to me on this one.
Zanity: You know that will never happen.
JD: I was going to tell my friends to come and vote for me to rig the election, but since I only have you and Duncan, it won’t be nearly enough.
(10 minutes later, across the street at Wilbert’s bookstore)
Bridget: So I hear that your ringers will show up to the voting tonight and fix the election.
JD: I can’t believe Zanity told you that. I was honestly just kidding, and even if I was serious, I only have one friend left. Though I’m sure that he’ll be screwing me over momentarily.
(The next day, after JD got trounced)
JD: Why did you tell Bridget what I said about the election?
Zanity: I would never do that.
Bridget: Oh hey guys! Sorry to interrupt, but are you ready for the lunch that I owe you Zanity?
Zanity: I’ve been looking forward to it since yesterday. Bye JD!
JD: God they’ll make great attorneys.
Professor Augustine: Alright class, by a show of hands, how many of you did the assigned readings?
(Everyone raises a hand)
Professor Augustine: That’s bullshit; we all know that when law students get home, they drink, smoke pot, watch porn, and then call it a night. Hell, that’s how I got thru my three years of torture. Speaking of which, how many of you have been to the main campus library at the University of Illinois in Urbana-Champaign?
(No one raises a hand)
Professor Augustine: Great, now you’re being honest. Well, if you ever go, do me a favor and just trivially look around. You’ll notice that they have the largest collection of pornography under one roof in the entire world.
Professor Augustine: You know, I represented the publisher of some great adult films in an obscenity case once. Their credits include “Deepthroat” and “Dallas XXX”. That’s all the women do in Texas by the way, run around in short skirts and cowboy boots, and then have sex with the football team.
Juan: I played at Sam Houston State and could never get laid.
Professor Augustine: It only applies to the good team’s son. Alright, back to the matter at hand, the decisions that you people allegedly read. Well, the reason that I asked for a show of hands is because I really hoped that for once you guys actually did the work, since today we are covering my absolute favorite case of all time: Morse v. Frederick. JD, tell us what this one is about.
JD: Sure professor. A school took the kids outside to witness the 2002 Olympic Torch Relay, when suddenly a group of students unfurled a banner reading “Bong Hits 4 Jesus”. This follows a line of cases dealing with the first amendment rights of children in the classroom that started with Tinker v. Des Moines Independent Community School District, where the Supreme Court ruled that freedom of speech does not end at the school house gates. However, this decision continues the reasoning of subsequent cases such as Bethel School District v. Fraser and Hazelwood v. Kuhlmeier, which both qualified Tinker.
Professor Augustine: That was an excellent synopsis, and you are correct, the court expanded on that line of jurisprudence. And so, JD, what was the holding in this case?
JD: That because schools have the duty to keep kids safe and provide positive messages, that their job to warn against the dangers of drugs trumps the students rights to free speech.
Professor Augustine: And obviously I don’t believe in that. While you are correct, I hope that you disagree with the holding too, because if Jesus really had the powers attributed to him, then he would have turned water into weed.
Professor Augustine: I mean, have any of you ever been to church? You need to smoke marijuana just to get through the sermon. JD, what if the banner read “Peyote Buttons for Jesus”? Would the decision have been the same?
JD: Well, I guess that depends on the effects of peyote buttons. I’ve never even heard of those before, but if they have inebriating effects, then yes, the Court’s holding should stand.
Professor Augustine: I like gin, but peyote somehow tastes better and gets the job done faster. You should go to the desert and find some. It’s also a good way to meet God. That reminds me; I also met him in a discotheque once. JD, have you ever sniffed cocaine off the breasts of a stripper?
JD: No professor, but contrary to my thoughts until now, being a lawyer must be the greatest job in the world.
Professor Augustine: Well, unfortunately it’s not. Obviously, being in a class entitled “Political & Civil Rights”, many of you are dissatisfied with the way things are, want answers, and hope to use the law for social justice. I did too. You should take the bar and get your license, but I will promise you this. Practice long enough, and it will occur to you that the message on their banner is the most truth that you’ll ever find. Class dismissed.
JD: Do you want to get something to eat after class?
Ross: Sorry man, I already have plans. I’m going over to Brian Jacob Horvath’s.
JD: Why does he go by all three names anyway? It’s too many syllables. We should just use “BJH” for short.
Ross (laughing): I actually tried that once and he literally flipped out. I think that he may have even threatened me.
JD: He seems like the most relaxed person in the world. He was probably just feigning anger or something.
Ross: I don’t think so; it seemed pretty serious.
JD: But he dresses like a huge hippy and always looks stoned.
Ross: He’s actually really conservative.
JD: That’s a huge contradiction. He’s always talking about Buddhism, hanging out with monks, etc.
Ross: Yeah, it’s definitely pretty strange. Anyway, do you want to come? I’ll text him and see if it’s alright.
(An hour later, entering the home of Brian Jacob Horvath, or “BJH”)
JD: Hey BJH. Thanks so much for having me.
BJH: I fucking hate that shit. If you call me it one more time you’re going to have to leave.
JD: Um, alright man, I’m sorry.
BJH: I’m really excited for the weed that you were telling me about earlier Ross.
Ross: Yeah man. It’s the best that I’ve been able to find so far here in Gainesville.
BJH: What are we waiting for then? Spark it up!
Ross: By the way, did you ever locate the acid that you were looking for?
BJH: I thought that it was in my “drug suitcase”, but I must have misplaced it. I did find ketamine and some great hash though.
JD: I honestly didn’t smoke for six years before coming to law school and barely even drink. I feel so innocent around you Brian.
BJH: That’s your problem. You’re really missing out.
JD: So anyway, why did you guys come to UF Law?
Ross: To become an attorney.
JD: Hahaha, good one man.
BJH: I’m going to become a prosecutor. I’ve been dreaming about it my entire life. I already have an internship lined up at a District Attorney’s Office in New York this summer.
JD: Hang on. We’re sitting here smoking pot, you have a “drug suitcase”, and you want to be a prosecutor? Don’t you think that’s just a tad bit hypocritical?
BJH: I went to college, was a teacher, and am now in law school. It doesn’t affect me at all.
JD: But you realize that the majority of people who are in jail are there for drugs, right?
BJH: It’s where they belong.
JD: That doesn’t make any sense man. As a prosecutor, you’ll be effectively telling people what to do and pushing the viewpoint that drugs are bad and should remain illegal, yet you’ve done more shit then nearly anyone I’ve ever met.
Ross: Let’s change the subject. Tom was really upset today. He said that his mom’s cancer is back.
JD: Aw man, I feel awful for him. That’s got to be a lot to deal with on top of trying to stay ahead in classes and with the readings.
BJH: Who cares? I mean, everyone gets sick. We shouldn’t try to cure cancer, as it’s just a part of natural selection.
JD: Too bad idiocy and being a complete asshole aren’t causes of action.
JD: Is that the new version of Madden Football?
Duncan: You know it.
JD: But it came out like a month ago; why is it still in the shrink wrap?
Duncan: I spend nearly all of my free time studying with you. I’m not going to open it until after the semester.
JD: I don’t understand. So you paid full price when it first came out, and you haven’t even played it yet? Why not just wait until winter break when it’s half off or less and get it then?
Duncan: Because this is my tradition. Every year since Madden 99, I’ve waited outside for the store to open up on launch day to purchase it. I’m not going to let law school destroy me.
JD: But you barely have any money. It just doesn’t make any sense man.
Duncan: You go on trips that you can’t afford.
JD: That’s all I can do to keep from killing myself. You know how much I loathe it here.
Duncan: Well I hate law school as much as you do. This is my way of fighting off the misery.
JD: But why not play it just once, set the quarters to three minutes, or go until halftime and save your progress?
Duncan: No, no. Look man, I’m doing it my way, alright?
JD: So having a game that you won’t even touch truly makes you happy?
Duncan: It did for about a month.
JD: So now what?
Duncan: I bought NBA 2K13 last week.
*The title of this blog entry, “Sentimental Hygiene”, comes from the Warren Zevon song of the same name.*
(In a meeting at Three Rivers Legal Services, the only Legal Aid provider for the underserved and impoverished in Northern Florida)
Van: Alright, moving on to Tyrone Smalls. He came in the other day for a consultation and smelled absolutely rancid. Obviously, we won’t be representing him.
Lucinda: Ashley Marshall came in through our Domestic Violence Clinic. She has 8 children by 8 different men. There’s no point in us trying to help her, as she will just get into another relationship with an abuser.
Lyle: She should really just wear pants and keep her legs closed.
(Laughs all around)
Van: Robert, what do you have to present?
Robert: Jamal Bigby is claiming racial discrimination by the landlord of his governmentally subsidized apartment complex. He has come to us before making other allegations of racism that we couldn’t verify, by former employers, restaurant proprietors, etc. He’s convinced that everyone is out to get him.
Van: Looking over the file, it seems that Jamal has been evicted from other housing projects before due to non-payment of rent. Is that correct?
Robert: I guess so.
JD: But how is that relevant? If criminal history can only be entered into evidence during very limited circumstances, how can we draw the conclusion that a person is not being discriminated against because he has made similar allegations in the past that have not been adjudicated, or has previously suffered from financial difficulties?
Van: These most recent claims are probably just attempts to avoid ending up on the streets again. Next file; what about you, Laura?
Laura: Phu Ngyuen came in to see me the other day on a vagrancy charge for sleeping on a park bench.
Van: Oh well, that’s what she gets for being homeless.
Kelly: I mean, the economy’s not that bad. Stop being lazy and just get a damn job already.
Margaret: I have to go pick up my kids; are we almost done here?
Van: We’re finished. Great meeting everyone!
(A few minutes later)
Van: Hey JD, step outside with me for a second.
JD: Sure, and by the way, thanks so much for having me. I can’t wait to begin my externship next semester in the Domestic Violence Clinic. I grew up in a household where I experienced those issues, and working to end the problem is definitely one of my biggest passions.
Van: Yeah, yeah, great. Listen man, here’s the deal. One of the attorney’s stumbled upon your comedic routines on Youtube. Consequently, you’re no longer welcome here. You have to leave right now.
JD: Whoa; we just came out of a meeting where our potential and actual clients were referred to as “sluts”, “bitches”, and “drug addicted liars”. This firm is supposed to help the indigent, not pass judgment and cast derision upon them. I don’t curse in my act, I’m not racist, and really only make fun of myself.
Van: The fact is that lawyers should not be comedians, and vice-versa. It just doesn’t work. That’s all I have to say about this.
JD: But if attorney’s can’t tolerate and appreciate freedom of speech, then who can? It’s what our country was founded upon. I do say in my act that I wouldn’t mind going to hell, as red is my favorite color. But that’s absolutely as bad as it gets, and those are only jokes. My routine cannot possibly compare to what I just heard from you and the others.
Van: Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you. I’ll be reporting this to the law school, and it will be up to them how you’re disciplined. The fact that you do stand-up proves awful judgment and moral turpitude.
JD: Wait, I don’t believe this. Could I talk to whomever was offended, or address the office as a whole and apologize? Please Van, I’ve been waiting for this externship my entire life and know that I can truly make a difference.
Van: No, it’s done. I hope that you learned something today. Good-bye, and take care of yourself.
(JD, driving home in tears)
JD: The only thing I learned is that I shouldn’t have come to law school.
*The title of this blog entry, “Something Bad Happened To A Clown”, comes from the Warren Zevon song of the same name.*
Mitch: What are you guys doing tomorrow?
Duncan: Trying to find some change under my cushions to buy food.
JD: Hoping to sell enough sperm and plasma to pay the rent on Monday.
Mitch: You should drive up to Jacksonville and meet us at the Jaguars game.
JD: Did you hear what we just said?
Mitch: My dad is flying me, Rich, and Brian up there in his plane.
JD: Your father owns a plane?
Mitch: Two actually.
Earl: Hey, I have my dad’s boat for the weekend. Maybe Tanya and I will cruise on up. My family has 30 season tickets, and there’s only 4 of us!
Duncan: Could we possibly come with you guys?
Earl: There’s not enough room. It’s only a 21 foot yacht. We need our privacy since we barely get to see each other, you know?
Mitch: Yeah, and we’re taking the Gulfstream. It theoretically has enough room, but since we’re all tall, we need the space to stretch out and sit comfortably.
JD: But it’s only like a 20 minute flight.
Leslie: 20 minutes? My parent’s jet will get my girls and I there in only 15! Don’t ask though, no boys allowed!
JD: This is even worse than high school.
Duncan: Where are you studying tonight?
JD: In the student activities room, unless I decide that it’s analogous to an undergraduate studying in the law library. Some 3L gave me the door code, and now I’m wrestling with the decision.
Duncan: I never see anyone in there, so I bet that it’s real quiet.
JD: I hope so. Do you want to come?
Duncan: I would, but my roommate is down in Miami visiting his girlfriend for a few days, and you know how much I hate him. I just want to relish the time to myself.
JD: You should sleep naked in his bed.
Duncan: I did that yesterday, and the thrill is already gone.
(The next day)
JD: You’re never going to believe this. I left the student offices for a half an hour last night for Chipotle. The room was completely empty, and when I returned, my laptops power cord was gone.
Duncan: Are you sure that you left it in there?
JD: Yes, absolutely.
Duncan: Put a plea on the whiteboard for its safe return.
JD: I doubt that’ll work, but I’ll try it.
(A few days later)
Duncan: Did your power cord ever turn up?
JD: No, though someone erased my message and wrote “go fuck yourself”.
Duncan: And did you?
JD: I was going to since I feel celibate. But that night I was studying in the law school library, stepped in the hallway for 5 minutes to take a phone call, came back, and my criminal law book had a bunch of pages ripped out. So I definitely got screwed anyway.
Duncan: Take it as a compliment. The people doing this must think that you’re smart and going to be tough competition on the finals.
JD: They have nothing to worry about. If I was even somewhat intelligent, I would stop leaving my stuff out.
JD: Look at this; the newspaper says that Bob Dylan played at UF last week.
Duncan: No way.
JD: Ben Folds was apparently just here too.
Duncan: You’ve got to be kidding. Let me see that. I can’t believe it, he’s my all-time favorite. How didn’t we know about this?
JD: That’s a really good question.
Duncan: They never advertise at the law school. They don’t put up flyers or anything.
JD: Have you ever been to the main campus?
Duncan: Just once, to get my student identification card.
JD: If you noticed, everyone there is amazing looking. All of the guys resemble either Fabio or Denzel, and every girl could be a supermodel.
Duncan: What does that mean?
JD: Law school stress really ages people. Everyone here looks like a mutant with grey hair and wrinkles.
Duncan: So you think that they’re trying to keep us separate?
JD: Yea, definitely. Think segregation, except instead of dividing people by either color or religion, they’re doing it based solely off how good looking we are.
Duncan: That makes sense; they’re afraid of being contaminated. The law school is off main campus, just far enough to keep us from straying over there unless we absolutely have to.
JD: I wonder if being a law student warrants strict scrutiny protection.
*The title of this blog entry, “Splendid Isolation”, comes from the Warren Zevon song of the same name.*
JD: I haven’t seen you type a single note all semester. Why do you even bother bringing your laptop?
Ryan: So that I won’t fall asleep.
JD: What do you mean?
Ryan (turning his computer): See, I just watch surfing videos all period.
JD: Don’t the people behind you ever say anything? It must be distracting to them.
Ryan: No way bro. Haven’t you noticed that Emma, right in front of us, shops for shoes and dresses during class, and that Brett watches lesbian porn the whole time?
JD: No, I guess that I’ve just been too focused on trying to get something from the lectures, which is extremely hard since the professors don’t teach a damn thing.
Ryan: Exactly man. I can’t even imagine not bringing a computer. Law school is way too boring without one.
JD: Well, if I brought mine I would learn even less then I do now. Speaking of which, why is Winston monitoring the hurricane over there?
Ryan: Because he owns stock in some Mexican factories.
JD: That’s definitely a better use of class time then actually paying attention.
Ryan: Look at Jill; she’s doing rocket science calculations.
JD: Wow, I can hardly do long division, and she’s in law school and solving NASA’s problems at the same time.
Ryan: Lawyers need to multitask. My dad sits in his office all day placing sports bets while keeping his clients out of jail.
JD: You’ve given me a lot to think about.
(The next day)
JD (watching soccer): GOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!
Professor Coah: Yes JD, when all the elements of negligence are present, meaning legal duty, breach of duty, and both actual and proximate cause, you can definitely reach the goal of obtaining your clients a huge judgment!
JD: Thanks Professor. I do my best to stay invested in the material.
JD: So what are we doing today?
Duncan: Going to the grocery store.
JD: No thanks man, I went food shopping last night. Just come back over when you’re done.
Duncan: You’ve been having a tough time picking up girls, right?
JD: You know it.
Duncan: Alright then. The best place to meet women is a neutral location where there is no pressure and they feel safe. Haven’t you ever noticed when you go shopping that the women are all dolled up?
JD: You’re insane.
Duncan: Trust me.
Duncan: Hi! Your earrings are really pretty and blend in with the floor. You give a new meaning to matching from head to toe.
Girl: Awww, thank you.
Duncan: Well, my friend and I need to get moving. Can I call you sometime soon?
Girl: Sure! Here’s my number. Bye!
Duncan: See, what did I tell you?
JD: You just got lucky.
Duncan: Hi! Those Buffalo Strips are my favorite Tyson chicken product too!
Girl 2: Really? No one else that I know even likes them.
Duncan: My buddy and I here are late to our volunteer gig keeping seniors company. Can I have your phone number?
Girl 2: Here it is! But you better call me! Cya!
Duncan: It’s your turn now. How about that girl by the Fritos? She’s actually looking over at you.
JD: Hi! I couldn’t help but notice that you were glancing in my direction. What’s your name?
Girl 3: Um, I don’t have one. I was just trying to see the price on Snackwells. Get out of here.
Duncan: So that one didn’t go so well. Try again.
JD: Hi! Your dress matches the ceiling and you look very beautiful. It’s like you’re camouflaged.
Girl 4: Are you hunting me or something? I’m not a wild animal. Leave me alone before I call security.
Duncan: On a positive note, once we’re lawyers, you’ll be able to afford a mail order bride.
Larry (UF Law Federalist Society President): You liberals never keep an open mind.
JD: What are you talking about?
Larry: I can prove it. Do you like guns?
JD: No. When I was growing up, I witnessed a friend get shot and bleed to his death.
Larry: Guns don’t kill, people do.
JD: So then how would you explain the relative lack of homicides in countries like France where handguns are prohibited?
Larry: It’s a cultural thing. Our country breeds ghetto thugs.
JD: That’s not racist at all. You do know that other countries have rap music too, right?
Larry: You probably heard that on CNN. I’m sure that you also believe in Global Warming.
JD: Imagine if you come home to find your girlfriend having sex with another man. If you have a gun on your hip, the crime of passion can be completed in just a second or two. If you only have a knife, you may not get to him before he flees, and even if you do catch him, you can stab someone a bunch of times without taking their life.
Larry: Have you ever seen a World War 2 knife?
JD: No, thank god.
Larry: Well, you could kill a bull with just one swipe. Anyway, since you claim to base your opinions on experience and facts, why don’t you come to the Newberry Gun Show with me tomorrow? You’ll learn that firearms enthusiasts are great people.
JD: Sure. Can you pick me up?
Larry: Be ready at 7am and we’ll stop on the way for food.
JD: Great! Cya then.
(The next day, at the gun show)
Larry: Welcome to my world!
JD: Is that the Nazi flag covering the entire wall in front of us?
Larry: That’s just memorabilia. It doesn’t mean a thing.
JD: What about that woman with a Swastika on her shirt?
Larry: It’s the Native American symbol for peace.
JD: That guy to the left is rocking a Hitler mustache.
Larry: It must be some kind of hot new style.
JD: He’s probably getting grooming tips from “Supremacy Weekly”. Wait, are those guys in the white robes Klansmen?
Larry: No, of course not. Everyone wears white in Florida so they won’t attract the sun.
JD: I’ve never seen any black people down here dressed like that.
Larry: You just haven’t been looking in the right places.
JD: You do know that I’m Jewish, right? Is this some kind of a joke?
Random Solicitor: Hi gentlemen. How would you like to sign up for the Aryan Union Youth Group of Central Florida?
JD: Explain that one.
Larry: Um, he must be an actor.
*The title of this blog entry, “Lawyers, Guns, And Money”, comes from the Warren Zevon song of the same name.*
JD: What is this group called again?
Duncan: It’s the Sports Legal Society. At Florida State University’s College Of Law, they actually offer classes in the field, but this is what we’re relegated to here at UF Law.
JD: I never realized that sports law even exists.
Duncan: It’s actually huge. I know a lot of agents who focused on it.
JD: Ah well, it should be a good chance to meet new people.
Duncan: Exactly. You don’t really like anyone that we know anyway.
JD: Good point.
(Inside of the meeting place)
Don: Alright, let’s get this thing started. Thanks so much for coming to the first meeting of the semester. I started this group last year to make up for the lack of sports related curriculum and opportunities here at the law school.
Ashley: I’m the Vice-President, and we have a lot of great things to cover this evening, like the spreads for this week’s college football games, and what off-shore gambling websites are the most reputable!
Don: There’s gulag punch to the right, handles of nearly every kind of liquor in the kitchen, jello shots in the Florida Room, and 11 kinds of beer in the coolers behind the house.
Ashley: Come see me if you have any questions. Oh, and please don’t forget to sign up for our mailing list so that we can send you a schedule of the keggers and bar crawls for this term. Game on!
Duncan: Wait, what the hell is this? I thought that we were actually going to learn about how to become an agent and what kinds of internships they recommend. It’s a school night, I can’t do this.
JD: Well honestly man, what did you expect? Most athletes do steroids anyway, and there’s nothing legal about that.
Duncan: What about the Space Law Society? There’s no alcohol on the moon.
JD: Their first meeting was last night. Don’s the head of that one too.
(At a birthday party for a classmate)
James (75% naked and completely drunk): Woooohoooooo! What’s going on JD?
JD: Same old shit. It looks like you’re having a great time though.
James: Fiesta! Hey, I heard that you did stand-up comedy last night. You should really stop that.
JD: Pardon me?
James: We’re studying to be lawyers JD. You have to act the part. Keeping everything close to your chest is key. You have to deny everything and never spill the beans. We can’t put too much out there. You know what I mean?
(James peels off another piece of clothing, rendering himself 90% naked)
James: Look man, law just isn’t the place for comedy. Take our professors for example; how many of them ever tell jokes?
JD: That’s my point exactly. Our professors are so uptight that they most likely tuck their shirts into their underwear. I need wiggle room, I need my freedom.
James: Freedom to party! What kind of jokes do you tell anyway?
JD: Nearly all self deprecation. How my brother has hair, freckles, and dimples, what I call the holy trinity, and how I possess absolutely none of those.
James: You’re never going to make it in this profession if you’re different. Why do you think that lawyers have such a high rate of alcohol and drug abuse, depression and suicide? It comes with the territory. If no one else can change it, then neither can you.
JD: But humor is my outlet. I just don’t see myself making it here for three years any other way. Like in the first day of torts, when Bradock said that he was solely here to make money, eliciting cheers and applause from the class; I sort of got the feeling that I am different, for better or for worse.
James. Whatever man. It was great seeing you, but I feel sick. I need to find a trash can.
JD: And I need to leave.
(JD walks outside to his car)
JD: What the hell? Why is my front bumper on the ground and my left fender busted out?
Duncan: Remember what James said. You have to think like an attorney, say nothing, and deny everything. No one here will ever admit to this.
JD: Than maybe I should start drinking
Duncan: And also become a chippendale.
(In Criminal Law)
Professor Clarp: So JD, is the answer burglary, robbery, larceny, or theft?
JD: Well, since the perpetrator used the threat of force to obtain control over the women’s purse from her body, I would say that it’s robbery.
Professor Clarp: Absolutely not. Do you hear that JD? It’s Sesame Street singing “It’s Alright To Cry”, just for you!
JD: But Professor…
Professor Clarp: Have you been doing the readings? Honestly, I can’t believe that you even got into this school. But then again, I went to the University of Virginia’s School of Law, a top 10 institution!
JD: I’m sorry Professor Clarp, but I honestly don’t see how I’m wrong.
Professor Clarp: At 35 years of age, I shouldn’t be wasting my time with someone like you who obviously doesn’t care about this class. That’s it, I just can’t take it anymore!!!
Raquel: JD is right Professor.
(Professor Clarp pulls up his tie, choking himself, while the class of 100 momentarily looks on in stunned silence)
Eleasia: I also agree with JD.
Andrea: Me too!
Tavon: Professor, my flashcards that the bookstore gave me for free when I bought a soda state JD’s definition of robbery almost verbatim.
(Professor Clarp turning extremely red in the face)
Rifka: Should we help him?
JD: Criminal Law doesn’t impose a general duty to render aid, and there’s no Good Samaritan law in Florida. I say that we just leave him.
Professor Clarp (gasping for air): I didn’t…even…want to teach…Criminal Law. My… specialty is (cough, cough, cough,) health care law, but… I had (cough) no (cough) choice.
JD: I think you should pull that tie up again.
JD: I wish that I looked like you.
Duncan: What are you talking about?
JD: I’ve never seen you with the same girl twice.
Duncan: Come on JD. You’re tall, funny, and even have a bit of hair left. Girls dig that. But the problem as I see it is that you don’t live in Montana anymore. This is Florida; the first thing that you need down here to get girls is a tan.
JD: I can’t get one because I’m Jewish.
Duncan: What does having a big nose have to do with it?
JD: Well, despite wandering in that desert for 40 years, my people still only come in two colors: white and pink. If I was Moses, God’s emissary, I would have at least asked for sunscreen.
Duncan: Then you should try wearing a UF Law shirt every time you go out.
JD: I did that the other day on the undergraduate campus. I also had on UF Law pants and a matching hat. I walked past a girl who probably hasn’t been hit on for years who is definitely in my league. I smiled and said hi, but she kept going like I didn’t even exist.
JD: Not a head nod, a grin, or even a batted eyelash. No acknowledgement whatsoever, and I know that she saw me since I’m 6 foot 4.
Duncan: Then tell girls that you’re in law school.
JD: I tried last night, and one said “that you’re part of the problem”.
Duncan: A single attempt isn’t enough.
JD: Another spit on me and said “I hate lawyers”.
Duncan: I’m sorry man, but I think that it’s time for you to drop out then.
JD: Or at least turn gay.
(While getting ready for their evening)
Duncan: So, how was your first week?
JD: Absolute bullshit. I have to read nearly 200 pages a night of cases that I don’t understand. Then in class, all my professors do is call on random people to summarize the assignments, instead of explaining the judges reasoning and expounding upon the holding.
Duncan: I’ve had the exact same experience.
JD: I’m paying out of state tuition this year, which is just over $40,000, and I’m still completely teaching myself. I should really stop attending classes and just spend the semester in Cancun.
Duncan: My in-state tuition is just under half of that, which I thought was a fortune.
JD: And our school still looks terrible. The paint on the buildings is coming off and there are stains everywhere. Plus, the majority of classrooms have no windows, and those that do have bars on them. We might as well be jailhouse law students.
Duncan: This is the highest ranked law school in Florida, and yet Florida State University’s College Of Law has a newly remodeled campus and Stetson Law is in a converted hotel.
JD: I mean, for all of the money that we’re spending, they could at least take care of the place and throw in a couple of perks. They don’t even sell hot food here.
Duncan: They should set out a royal buffet every morning in the courtyard, with fresh squeezed juices, sandwiches, and an omelet bar.
JD: That’s a good idea, except where would we sit? There’s only like 5 picnic tables outside, and the cafeteria is tiny. Lounging in the grass doesn’t really work because of the red ants and other weird Florida insects.
Duncan: There’s also no entertainment here. No student lounge, BBQ grills, TV’s, etc. How do they expect us to survive here for a full day, let alone for three whole years?
JD: So much for an atmosphere congenial to learning.
Duncan: How many classes did you have today?
JD: Just one.
Duncan: How was it?
JD: Interesting; I saw people all over the room sniffing lines.
JD: Yeah. Some people also carry those aluminum water bottles that you can’t see through and fill them up with liquor.
Duncan: How do they get away with that?
JD: Probably the fact that one of my professors brings a shot glass and tumblers for his Bourbon and talks about the positives of drug use. Also, I saw my Professional Responsibility Professor at a party last night rolling blunts and doing kegstands.
Duncan: Even as 1L’s, it’s never too early to start acting like attorneys.
Duncan: Who do you have for Civil Procedure?
JD: No one; my section takes it next term. What’s it about?
Duncan: I have no idea, that’s why I’m asking you.
JD: Well, have you read the assigned cases?
Duncan: I can’t get past the first one, Pennoyer v. Neff. I could be wrong, but I think that the holding is a recipe for mixed drinks.
JD: That makes sense, given Dean Perry’s speech at orientation.
Duncan: I slept the whole time.
JD: So did I, with the exception of one lucid moment. He said that the most important thing about law school is learning how to hold your liquor. Apparently, no matter what their legal focus is, most attorney’s specialize in drinking.
Duncan: We’re only first years. No wonder why I’m the only one who shows up to our 9am class.
(At the University of Florida’s Levin College of Law)
Duncan: So, why did you decide to attend law school here?
John David (JD): For the apparel.
Duncan: Excuse me?
JD: My alma mater, the University of Montana, had awful licensed merchandise. I just wanted a shirt that said Montana or had our schools crest or mascot by itself, instead of these weird, new age designs. If I knew the clothing was so bad, I would have gone somewhere else.
Duncan: Essentially then, you chose a law school based on fashion.
JD: I’m tied to this place for the rest of my life. I had to be comfortable with its colors and symbols.
Duncan: Do you root for a sports team because you like their uniforms?
JD: Of Course. The Gator kicks ass by the way and is versatile. Gainesville is a progressive town; we should lobby the University for a line of “Gaytor” Football Shirts. The Law School just uses a drunken frat Gator for its events, when it should really have a “Gaytor Law Students for Lawrence” campaign.
Duncan: Gay pride is rampant here; those two guys who look like twins were making out at the ACLU event the other day.
JD: As the group’s newly elected Vice President, I admit that only the three of you plus the officers attended.
Duncan: Some impact that you’re having on the world.