Blue’s Ballad

Duncan: Have you ever seen the old man?

JD: You mean Blue? He’s in my section.

Duncan: Blue?

JD: That’s his nickname. Do you remember the movie “Old School”? There’s an elderly man who goes to college and joins a frat, and for whatever reason, that becomes his sobriquet.

Duncan: Oh yeah, I remember that now. They shout “you’re my boy Blue”!

JD: Well, this guy is no one’s boy. He’s truly the weirdest person that I’ve ever met.

Duncan: Why’s that?

JD: He chugs 2 or 3 Papa John’s Garlic Butter Sauces in class every day, just like they were shots of tequila.

Duncan: That’s disgusting.

JD: He coughs loudly during almost every period too. Our Property professor asked him to leave this morning because he was so disruptive, and Blue replied, “I’m very sick, but no”.

Duncan: What the hell man? That’s extremely strange, not to mention rude.

JD: I’ve also seen him sleeping on the floor of the library, lying on his back, feet up on the computer desk.

Duncan: I heard that he lives in his car.

JD: That’s what a lot of people say. It’s a station wagon, jam-packed full of everything. You literally can’t see in through any of the windows because they’re all blocked by clothing.

Duncan: How old is he?

JD: I’ve heard various numbers, from 69 to 81. But even if we split the difference and say that he’s 75, it means that he’ll be 78 at graduation.

Duncan: Why’d he come to law school then?

JD: Probably because he’s a masochist.

Duncan: Aren’t we all?

JD: I did talk to him about it though, and apparently he used to be a doctor, but in Florida, once you reach a certain age, continuing accreditation is based on being intermittently certified as competent by a peer review board. Well, he’s a hardcore tax dissenter and often writes about it online; he believes that the panel took away his ability to practice medicine because of those viewpoints.

Duncan: So basically then, he’s out seeking revenge?

JD: Yeah, pretty much. However, after he accomplishes that, he wants to become an agent and attorney for musicians.

Duncan: I was taking a break in the cafeteria the other night and saw him playing trumpet; there was sheet music all over the table.

JD: Our Contracts professor played a big band clip from the 1950’s once, to provide context for a case that we read, and no one, including the teacher, knew the performers name. Blue did though, and said that he saw the person live when he was just starting out.

Duncan: So the music that he likes is now 60 years old, and all the players are dead; who does Blue think will retain him?

JD: I don’t know man. He’s just a crazy guy.

(A couple of hours later, by the law school)

Duncan: That SUV at the stoplight should really roll its windows up. I hate when people blare loud music, and especially gangster shit.

JD: But as we know, there’s nothing that law students love more than drugs, rape, and murder.

Duncan: The SUV’s coming this way; I’m going to shout at them to turn the god damn radio off.

JD: Wait a second; look at the guy in the passenger seat!

Duncan: It’s Blue, and he’s wearing a do-rag!

JD: Is that a blunt in his left hand and a bottle of Hennessy in the right?

Duncan: And I think that the rapper Cool Azz Rude is driving; I can’t believe it!

JD: Maybe age really does bring wisdom.

(About a week later, at the campus clinic)

JD: Thanks for bringing me here man.

Ross: I’m just keeping the promise that I made this morning, to drive you right after the criminal law final; it was the only way to make you leave the house and take it.

JD: That exam was so damn hard; I’ll probably just end up dropping out of law school now to become a firefighter.

Ross: Why would you do that? I’m sure that you passed it.

JD: Even if I did, being an attorney can’t possibly top shaking, shimmying, and sliding up and down a fireman’s pole every day.

Ross: I presume that whatever illness you have was contracted from Blue?

JD: My coughing fits are the worst. Remember when Blue couldn’t stop hacking recently? I can’t believe that he came to school like that.

Ross: At least you kept quiet during the test today. Blue was so loud in class last week, that Ryan, James, Winston, and I tried hiring a hitman.

JD: How’d that go?

Ross: Professor Gonzales wanted too much.

JD: We should do it ourselves and make him suffer. Cutting off his dick with a butter knife would be appropriate, as the pain will be elongated and excruciating; it’ll take him forever to bleed out.

Ross: And to make it ironic, we can provide him with the Papa John’s Garlic Butter Sauces that he loves so much.

Nurse: John David, please come with me to the examination room.

(An hour later)

Ross: So, what do you have?

JD: A bad cold. All that they gave me though was some heavy-duty cough syrup.

Ross: What’s the prescription say?

JD: Some scientific name, and in parentheses it states “codeine cough medicine”.

Ross: No way dude! That’s “purple drank”! You know, the stuff that rapper’s always hype up!

JD: Duncan and I saw Blue riding shotgun with Cool Azz Rude after class on the day that he couldn’t stop hacking. In fact, Blue was singing the chorus to “Showing Out”.

Ross: See, that makes sense. He turned Blue on to the secret for cough suppression.

JD: I’m not going to buy it man; I don’t want to develop an opiate addiction.

Ross: But we have to celebrate finishing the last final of the semester. Pick it up, and we’ll both drink it. Besides, it’s supposed to produce hallucinations if you ingest just a bit more then directed.

JD: Well, maybe I’ll have a vision quest to help me decide whether or not I really should apply for the fire department.

Ross: And the best part is that you’re gaining the clarity lawfully!

(At JD’s house)

JD: Pour me some more man.

Ross: We drank the whole thing.

JD: What?!?! That bottle was supposed to last me for 2 weeks, and we killed it in 10 minutes!

Ross: But it was worth it. I can’t stop laughing, and touching myself produces orgasms. Have any insights into becoming a firefighter yet?

JD: Not so far. I’m currently only thinking about finding my wool ski cap. Who knew that it gets so cold in Central Florida?

Ross: The one that you had on earlier?

JD: I haven’t seen it since we walked in.

Ross: It’ll turn up. In the meantime, let’s finally play Donkey Kong Country in cooperative mode.

JD: Is the Super Nintendo supposed to be more popular than the Wii U?

(5 minutes later)

Ross: Do you smell something burning?

JD: The hell is that man?

Ross: Dude, I found your hat; it’s smoldering on top of that lamp!

JD: God dammit man!

Ross: At least you received divine intervention.

JD: Fire department it is!

Ross: Blue’s always right in the end.